More Headlines

These are from fark.com's headline of the year contest.  I am deleting those that aren't that funny and that are overly inappropriate.

Also, we had some unbelievers last time, so let me explain how fark works-- it's a news aggregator, with submissions from all over the world.  People find stories, create their own headlines, and then submit the original article.  So the stories are real, headlines are made up by non-journalists.

Here we go:

One armed girl swims circles around competition

Two swimmers dead, Juan Moore missing 

Disagreements shake Djibouti. Shake, shake, shake. Shake, shake, shake. Shake Djibouti 

Now that certain words -- like the other word for donkey -- must be filtered on the Internet: President Abraham Lincoln was buttbuttinated by an armed buttailant after a life devoted to the reform of the U.S. consbreastution

Father of two crushed to death after falling into printing press. This story is continued on Pages 3, 4, 9 and 10

Last German WWI veteran dies at age 107. WE WIN

Four ex-AOL executives reach plea deal with SEC, must surrender stolen money and perform 5,000 HOURS OF FREE SERVICE

General Motors post a $15.5 billion second-quarter net loss. Sales plummet like a rock. Oooooohhhhh, Like a Rock 

QVC to lay off 6 percent of workers. But if you call in now, they'll cut another 10 percent 

Halliburton bidding $3.4 billion for Expro, which is the first time in years Halliburton actually bid on something

Ticketmaster fires 300 employees due to financial crunch, collects 10 percent of their severance in convenience fees

Not ones to deviate from their business model, GM admits that they "wont make a dime" from the Chevy Volt

Stark candy heart plant is closing. It must be a DREAM. This pink slip can't BE MINE. Guess nothing lasts FOREVER 

3M sends 1800 employees pink post-it notes 

Krispy Kreme loss widens in 3rd quarter, hindquarter

Sony makes 8000 walk, man 

Scientists create rubber that repairs itself. Your parents wish they had had this

Schoolboy collapses and goes into convulsions playing World of Warcraft, which inadvertently gives him more exercise than he's had for months 

Alaska's black population says he has felt ignored by Palin

Not one to stall for time, Larry Craig intends to tap out his memoirs

"Obama tax plan will retard growth, job creation" as opposed to Palin's plan of job growth and retard creation

Anonymous package of bacon closes congressman's office, which marks the first time in history a politician ran away from pork 

Suri Cruise named best-dressed tot in show business, just barely edging out her dad Tom 

Supermodel sorry for disappearance, promises to never turn sideways again

"24" executive producer Joel Surnow opts to leave the show after his contract RAN OUT OF TIME