Headlines 2009

Quick background. My favorite news site is fark.com. It’s an aggregator, much like google news, drawing articles from thousands of different sources. In addition to being a news site, it’s also a user-based community. The main page lists headlines that have been submitted by users. So the headlines on fark.com are different from the actual headlines, but still summarize the article. For example, the first headline below (about American obesity) actually linked to a Newsweek article with the headline, “Is the Recession Making Americans Fatter?”

Anyway, the creativity of submissions is sometimes just awesome. Here are my highlights from the year.

Newsweek: American obesity jumps in last year. But not very high

Researchers use YouTube to study brain injuries. Presumably by reading the user comments

Sharks can be "cuddled like Dolphins", according to Dr Stumpy McStumperson from the institute of really bad ideas

Medical community applauds first double-hand transplant in U.S

Glacier threatens capital city of Bolivia, sparking warnings that people may one day have to walk for their lives

Experts warn that the Internet is running out of bandw

Good language skills in your youth may stave off Alzheimer's later. Good news for us people who have a way with words, not so much for those of you who...um...not have way, I guess

350-year-old skeleton discovered in England. Fans gather in hopes of hearing latest rendition of Like a Virgin

Sea turtle that lost flippers to shark attack fitted with artificial flippers so it can be attacked by shark again

Jehovah's Witnesses more likely to die in childbirth. Also more likely to be standing in doorway in event of earthquake

Astronomers are getting a close-up look at a cosmic eating machine that devours the mass equivalent of two Earths per hour and in the past has replaced Shelley Long on "Cheers"

Scientists discover first vegetarian spider, easily identified as the one shunned by other spiders and getting picked on by ants

Elementary school kids run through blocking and tackling drills with the Detroit Lions. Advice and encouragement were given, as well as physical fitness pointers. Hopefully the Lions learned something

Bolivian animal rights activists succeed in banning circuses from using animals, but now have to figure out what to do with 22 useless lions, a problem Detroit has faced for years

Before you get all outraged that Michael Vick is only getting a 4 game suspension, take note that it's a 28 game suspension in dog years

Kevin Costner and wife give birth to baby boy. Labor took three hours, cost $150 million, and was panned by the critics

Jessica Rabbit voted cartoon sex bomb, followed closely by Betty Boop, because every guy's fantasy is a head like a deformed potato with no chin who talks like a 9-year-old with Down's syndrome

Tired of her blowing away all the time, Harrison Ford puts large metal ring on Calista Flockhart

Michael Jackson's autopsy underway. Coroner struggling with first question: "Race: __________"

Shrek sidekick Donkey voted the most-loved movie animal, slightly ahead of Joan Cusack

Rosie O'Donnell denies that her partner has somehow escaped her gravitational field

Former ABC anchor Carole Simpson says legitimate TV news is dying. We'll have more on this story after a Jon and Kate Plus 8 update, and it looks like Britney and Li-Lo are at it again

To honor her brother, Janet Jackson will wear black for a year. If she really wanted to honor him, she would slowly fade it to white

Six Flags on the verge of filing Chapter 11. Restructuring terms will force debt collectors to stand in a gigantic zig-zag line for hours, only to have the check printing machine break down when they're next in line

Car manfacturers are listening to proposals to equip cars with social networking technology like Facebook. What could pos.... Michael is wrapped around a tree

Live Nation to acquire Ticketmaster for $2.5 billion, plus $700 million in convenience charges

General Motors bankruptcy inevitable. GM shares set to fall like a rock. OOOOOOHHHHH like a rock

Applications to the top liberal-arts schools drop 20% as students realize there is no longer any need to earn a Liberal Arts degree to remain unemployable

Citigroup analyst weighs in on which banks need to raise capital after recent stress test, which is kind of like a blind guy telling you your girlfriend is ugly

Target profit beats estimates on news that people are still willing to pay 20% more than Walmart for the same stuff on clean floors

MySpace slashes itself by 30%, a move that resonates with its user base

Clear Channel posts $3.7B loss. I'd explain more, but I have to cut to 10 minutes of commercials, followed by the new Nickelback song

New Gallup poll reveals Cheney is more popular than Pelosi, much in the same way that prostate exams are more popular than colonoscopies

Cheney accuses Obama of politicizing the Justice Department. Cheney. Accuses Obama. Of politicizing the Justice Department

Obama declares swine flu a national emergency, eyes Nobel Prize in Medicine

New Jersey likely to legalize medical marijuana, which can help to alleviate the pain of having to live in New Jersey

Carpenters face higher-than-average asbestos death rate, higher-than-average resurrection rate